Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
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*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
FINE, I WON’T.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’