The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
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Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.