People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
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Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.