Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
You Might Also Like
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”