You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
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WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook đź‘Ťđź’›
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.