People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
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Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies