When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
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I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
just witnessed a drug deal
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable