Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
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How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
The news is so predictable nowadays
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.