“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
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Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
*watches the world burn*
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.