I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
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Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you