Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
You Might Also Like
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
True.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.