Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
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As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Swedish for common sense.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what