It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
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I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Finally!
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.