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At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
incredible text to wake up to
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”