Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
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Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.