Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
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I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Best mom ever 😂
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.