Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
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Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER