Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
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A closed mouth gathers no fries.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.