[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
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My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
cat vs inanimate object
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
this is how life feels
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.