My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
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Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep