doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
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My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy