I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
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My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*