Battery falling down a hole
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Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape