The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
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hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
relationship goals
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*