*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Liquor Store Parking
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
If you know, you know
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
In Canada they just call them geese
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
excuse me
do what now??
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”