If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
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how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.