I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
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Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.