Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
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I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve