My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
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Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
this is the news I live for
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
😂😂
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.