Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
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Teamwork makes the dream work.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
can I use a minion as a tampon
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?