my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
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the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?