[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
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We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.