Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
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Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
just having fun
You’ll be OK
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**