I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
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I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY