I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
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I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.