I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
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Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Home is where your toilet is.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
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I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself