[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
You Might Also Like
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first