Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
You Might Also Like
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Every. Damn. Time.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.