Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
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You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
how high up are we talkin’?
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”