The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
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A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”