We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
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[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
finally found a reasonable question
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.