I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
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Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*