I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
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Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”