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Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”