My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
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Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT