From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
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Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
“our sushi is very fresh”
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.