The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
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Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles