I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
You Might Also Like
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I feel this so hard
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties