her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
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I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?