*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
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Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
fly smarter, not harder
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I’m going to need a moment here.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.